Chapter 18: The Hunt

29 Sep

In this episode of Girl & Twilight, Edward Cullen is angry. He is really angry. He is ALL CAPS ANGRY. He is angry at his family for being vampires. He is angry at the other vampires for being vampires. He is angry at himself for being a vampire. But most of all, he is angry at Bella for being human.

You thought you’d seen Edward be unreasonable? You haven’t seen anything yet. Prepare yourselves for Chapter 18, featuring Amy-Jean hopped up on cold medicine! WHEEEE!

At the end of Chapter 17, three vampires had shown up. Which sounds like it could create some conflict, but no, these wild vampires just want to play baseball, too. They are called Laurent, James and Victoria, because all of the names for Smeyer’s characters come from novels from the 18th century. They are from Ontario. Smeyer knows about Canada? HOLLA

I am still waiting for some conflict to happen. Smeyer, you are the master of being utterly anticlimactic. Carlisle tells the new vampires that the baseball game is over, so he invites them over to his house. For tea.

Suddenly, a gust of wind comes along, rustling Bella’s hair, and the wild Canadian vampires smell Bella! The one called James and Edward have some sort of growling match, and I guess Edward wins because James says he won’t “hunt in their range.” Vampires care about territory, guys.

Edward is pissed. Edward is SO PISSED. He THROWS Bella into the Jeep, barks orders at Alice, Emmett and Bella, curses endlessly under his breath, drives more dangerously than usual, and yells at Bella.

The reason he is so pissed is because James is a “tracker” which means he fixates on one person, then hunts them. Naturally, it’s Bella he wants, which is actually great because it means there is FINALLY something resembling plot and conflict in this book, but it’s also awful because Edward is being such an unreasonable douche about it.

He begins speeding away from Forks, insisting that he has to kidnap Bella against her will to keep her safe. Bella is having a fit in protest and Emmett and Alice are trying to make Edward see sense. Poor Bella is trying to get away, crying that the vampires will get Charlie (FINALLY, she cares about Charlie!), and Alice pleads with Edward to stop the car so they can talk about the best thing to do. Edward is still totally in a rage, a really scary, awful rage. He keeps yelling “THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION” over and over again even though Bella is losing her mind in terror and Alice and Emmett keep presenting perfectly reasonable other options. Edward, however, is certain that the only option is to kidnap Bella and let her father be eaten by Wild Canadian Vampires. BEST BOYFRIEND EVER.

Finally, finally, after many pages of raging, Bella gets Edward to listen to her plan.It is an awful, terrible, manipulative plan, but it is a slightly better plan.

“You take me back. I tell my dad I want to go home to Phoenix. I pack my bags. We wait till this tracker is watching, and then we run. He’ll follow us and leave Charlie alone. Charlie won’t call the FBI on your family. Then you can take me any damned place you want.”

To which Edward replies (decides):

“You’re leaving tonight, whether the tracker sees or not. You tell Charlie that you can’t stand another minute in Forks. Tell him whatever story works. Pack the first things your hands touch, and then get in your truck. I don’t care what he says to you. You have fifteen minutes. Do you hear me? Fifteen minutes from the time you cross the doorstep.”

At least SOMETHING is happening, even though this is totally awful and Edward is convincing Bella to lie to her family and stuff. Smeyer just wants you to know that Edward is such a perfect boyfriend with his fiery ragepool of a temper and he is totally going to kidnap his girlfriend to keep her safe ISN’T THAT JUST THE DREAMIEST

“Bella, please just do this my way, just this once,” he said between clenched teeth.

EDWARD BELLA ALWAYS HAS TO DO THINGS YOUR WAY. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I don’t even understand what is going on and why everyone is jumping to these crazy conclusions. Okay, so the characters have made some pretty bad decision, and Smeyer has heightened the drama with anger since nothing ever happens in this book and we’re almost on page 500.

I tried to be persuasive. “Hang out here for a week —” I saw his expression in the mirror and amended “— a few days. Let Charlie see you haven’t kidnapped me, and lead this James on a wild-goose chase. Make sure he’s completely off my trail. Then come and meet me. Take a roundabout route, of course, and then Jasper and Alice can go home.”

So… let’s try to get this straight, everyone. Here is what is going to happen, suddenly. Bella is going to lie to Charlie saying she can’t stand it in Forks, then she is going to run away from home with Alice and Jasper. To Phoenix. This way, Charlie won’t think Edward kidnapped her, but the tracker (James) will. Except Edward will stay in Forks for a few days so James won’t think Edward kidnapped her after all? Then Edward is going to go to Phoenix. Sounds like a GREAT PLAN, guys.

I was about to calm down from my rage at Edward’s rage, but then this line happened right at the end:

“Bella.” Edward’s voice was very soft. Alice and Emmett looked out their windows. “If you let anything happen to yourself— anything at all — I’m holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?”

WHAT!! You womanizing piece of shit! Never mind the fact that you are a lethal vampire. Blaming your girlfriend for the bad shit YOU do? This entire situation is 99% Edward’s fault!! This is like… this is like tying yourself and someone else to some train tracks and saying, “if a train comes by and runs us over and we die, I’m holding you personally responsible.” It’s like hijacking someone’s taxi and telling the taxi driver, “if the cops catch me and put me in jail, I’m holding you personally responsible.” Look I’m too angry and full of cold medicine to make real analogies right now.

I just CAN’T WAIT for the next chapter.

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One Response to “Chapter 18: The Hunt”

  1. jmjbookblog September 29, 2010 at 11:36 pm #

    As always I enjoy reading your perspective of the chapter…so many things I didn’t realize when I first read the book. I hope you are feeling better soon! :(

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