Chapter 5: Cheater

23 Nov

In this episode of Girl and Twilight, Bella mopes at work, mopes in her truck, mopes on the side of the road… and then suddenly begins to act like a normal (albeit insane) human being and some things actually happen. Excited? Me too. Let’s do this.

When the chapter opens, Bella is at work with Mike, hating her life and being the awful human being that she is. I mean it, she actually refers to one of her customers as “leather-face.” What the fuck, Bella? Mike tells Bella to go home early, so Bella gets into her truck and begins driving around aimlessly in the rain, wondering how to feel numb again. Someone needs to take the My Chemical Romance away from Smeyer, because it’s starting to sound like 14-year-old Amy-jean’s poetry in here. Bella talks about how she can’t even think his name. She goes on for a page or so about this nightmare she has every night in which there is nothing and this is supposed to be some sort of metaphor for how Bella’s life is a gaping void without You Know Who‘s presence.

I curled over, pressing my face against the steering wheel and trying to breathe without lungs. (pg.124)

What does this mean.

Why is it its own paragraph.

But fear not, mi compadres, because Bella is about to magically snap out of her self-imposed melancholy, and it only took 100 pages! (can I take a moment to point out we are now about 130 pages into this thing? WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS BOOK)

Some amazing things happen around page 125:

  1. Bella stops being miserable
  2. New Moon no longer sounds like an emo song
  3. Smeyer doesn’t use the word “topaz” or “dazzle” even once
  4. I turn the pages without wanting to perform seppuku

Bella suddenly concludes through several leaps of logic that I am unable to follow that she has to get back at Edward by doing the opposite of what he wanted which was “don’t do anything reckless or stupid.” Bella figures it is time to stop being Miss Mopey-Pants and do something reckless and stupid.

Inspiration hit me like a bolt of lightning — not unreasonable, considering the storm. (pg.129)

Smeyer, please stop trying to use metaphors.

I feel like I should probably be saying something along the lines of “it is bad that Bella is looking for ways to harm herself,” but at this point, we are so far off the deep end and I am so desperate for something to happen that I honestly don’t care right now. I sort of hate Bella anyway.

Bella, having pulled over on the side of the road earlier so she could consider all this, notices two motorcycles for sale on the side of the road. She decides it is destiny, and goes to buy them. The boy selling them says they are free since they don’t work, and helps Bella load them into her truck.

But even with all the huge log-haulers barreling around the turns, mostly people walked away. The exceptions to that rule were often on motorcycles, and Charlie had seen one too many victims, almost always kids, smeared on the highway. He’d made me promise before I was ten that I would never accept a ride on a motorcycle.

. . .

It clicked together for me then. I wanted to be stupid and reckless, and I wanted to break promises. Why stop at one? (pg.127)

Bella then drives to La Push, which excites me. Do you guys remember what is in La Push?


Despite the fact that Bella plans on using Jacob for his mechanical know-how, she promptly forgets her manipulative ways when she arrives at his house and beings chatting with Jacob and Billy. You see, Jacob has this magical power that makes Bella behave like a normal person.

Smeyer actually spends a paragraph describing how Jacob looks (which is major hotness, by the way. But Smeyer doesn’t say “major hotness,” or “perfect,” or “topaz” even once. She actually describes how he looks, and we are actually allowed to conclude on our own that he is major hotness). It is so refreshing to see Smeyer spend time on a character that isn’t a Cullen.

It’s so refreshing to see Bella acting like a normal human being, to see two characters really having a conversation with each other, enjoying each other’s company, to see Bella smiling and laughing and… and…

This is what a relationship should be like. Jacob automatically and without effort brings out the very best in Bella. The very best in Bella might just mean not being a total monster, but still, that is an improvement!

I needed to reign in [sic] the enthusiasm before I gave him the wrong idea—it was just that it had been a long time since I’d felt so light and buoyant. The rarity of this feeling made it more difficult to manage. (pg.135)

Don’t manage it, Bella! Embrace it! Please embrace it!

Smeyer also decided to rain on my parade by not knowing the difference between reign and rein. Unless her enthusiasm is the reigning king or queen of a country, she ought to take the reins off her editor and let him or her out to pasture.

In exchange for giving Jacob one of the bikes, Jacob agrees to help Bella fix them up and give her riding lessons. Oh Jacob! Give me riding lessons!

Bella says she is going to use some of her college fund to pay for the repairs. This is a bad idea, kids, but I am going with it for now because things are interesting now. This means I am going to get to read a lot more Jacob, right? This means Bella will be less annoying, right? IS THIS BOOK ABOUT TO BECOME TOLERABLE?

As we skulked back to the makeshift garage, I contemplated my luck. Only a teenage boy would agree to this: deceiving both our parents while repairing dangerous vehicles using money meant for my college education. He didn’t see anything wrong with that picture. Jacob was a gift from the gods. (pg.136)

‘A gift from the gods’? Oh… it really is still you, Smeyer.



5 Responses to “Chapter 5: Cheater”

  1. arallyn November 24, 2010 at 11:33 am #

    So wait, is the chapter actually titled “Cheater”? What’s she cheating? Does she think she’s cheating people’s expectations? On Sparkles? Because I’m pretty sure Sparkles left her in the forest five months ago for a reason, and reasonably wants nothing to do with Pants.

    • Amy-jean November 24, 2010 at 11:40 am #

      I have no sweet clue why most of the chapters have the titles they have. I think she is cheating on Sparkles’ “agreement” that she will never see him again and she must not be reckless and stupid blah blah blah.

      Anyway I caught a hilarious morphology error just this second, so go back an read after the Cat In Awe macro :D

  2. Mitchi November 28, 2010 at 3:52 pm #

    …I love you. You have managed to sum up everything thought that I had as I read these books. xD

    • Mitchi November 28, 2010 at 3:52 pm #

      …..**every thought
      Wow. I have amazing English today.

      • Amy-jean November 29, 2010 at 3:52 pm #

        Thank youuuu :)
        And don’t worry, my English sucks on the best of days.

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