Chapter 13: Killer

31 Aug

Oh my goodness everyone Amyjean is making a G&T post, hold on to your knickers.

In this long past-due episode of Girl&Twilight, Stephenie Meyer coughs up the entire plot of Twilight to use again. Because, you know, it was so riveting the first time around. She also is ruining Jacob so there is next to nothing redeeming about this book at this point.

I think the number one reason I hate this series so much is because no one knows how to communicate. No one knows how to have a simple conversation to convey basic information to each other. Honestly, I can sum up the entire chapter for you in a few short lines:

are you a werewolf?
yes. I am.
let’s still be friends.
okay cool.

Except this shouldn’t even have to happen because we have known Jacob is a werewolf since the last book but here we are so let’s just get to it.

Bella drives to Jacob’s house extremely early in the morning to tell him off for being a crazy murdering wolf. Not because she’s worried he’ll go to jail or something, but because she’s worried it might reflect badly on her if she’s friends with a killer. Billy is suspicious when she shows up and understandably doesn’t want to let her in, but she trots up the stairs to Jacob’s room anyway where she watches him sleep for a few minutes. This makes her stop feeling angry and instead want to protect him, so she tells Billy she is going to the beach and he is to send Jacob to her when he wakes up. For some reason Billy is cool with this whole intrusion.

Bella waits at the beach for about a page until Jacob shows up. They have the same annoyingly angsty, circular sort of conversation as usual and it’s killing me. I mean, Jacob already knows that Bella believes in vampires so I don’t see why it’s such a huge deal to just tell her he’s a big puppy dog.

Jacob is really pissed. He is even more pissed when Bella says she is there to warn him. He yells at her and calls her a hypocrite for being afraid of him and sarcastically apologizes for not being the right kind of monster. Ouch, Jacob. When did you become such a jerk?

This makes Edward talk in Bella’s head again which is neat and stuff.

“Be very careful, Bella,” his velvet voice warned. “Don’t push him too far. You need to calm him down.”

Even the voice in my head was making no sense today.

I listened to him, though. I would do anything for that voice. (pg.307)

Again with the creepy self-aware insanity. And word to the wise, Bella? Don’t do anything for voices in your head. That’s usually not a good call.

Bella tells Jacob that if vampires can find a way to live without killing people, so can werewolves. Jacob stops being angry and says, “wait, you were talking about killing people?” and Bella is like “um yeah what did you think we were talking about,” and Jacob is like, “your disgust for wolves obviously!” and Bella goes “nah it’s okay that you’re a giant puppy dog sometimes as long as you don’t kill people,” and Jacob is like “lol okay cool let’s hug.”

Actually his exact words are “are you sure you don’t mind I morph into a giant dog?” What the fuck am I reading.

Said words are then followed by repeating, possibly verbatim, the words Edward said to Bella over and over again: that he is very dangerous and he shouldn’t be around Bella because he can’t control himself and she might get hurt.


ANYWAY my predictions were correct and the wolves aren’t the ones killing people. They are trying to kill the vampires that are hunting people, but they are usually too late and that’s why they’re getting pegged as the killers. They killed Laurent and that makes Bella happy, but when Jacob describes the vampire they are hunting now, Bella realizes it is Victoria and she completely loses it. Like, really. She has a fit, convulsing and sweating profusely and vomiting and even Edward is like totally freaking out in her brain and it’s all very fun.

Eventually she explains to Jacob what is up, and he runs off into the woods to let his doggie friends know that they need to have an emergency meeting. When he comes back, he explains that he had to go transform into a wolf to tell them because all the wolves can hear each others’ thoughts all the time. Wow Smeyer that is a totally new plot device smashing job.

They go to meet Sam and the other wolves, but not before the chapter ends with Smeyer making a “who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?” joke.

So here we are. Vampires are after Bella and some big strong boy has to save her by killing the vampire. ORIGINAL PLOTS SUSPENSE WOOO


4 Responses to “Chapter 13: Killer”

  1. Katie September 1, 2011 at 12:05 am #

    Your disgust for the entire ordeal makes me feel slightly guilty for begging you to write this :P Just think, the faster you finish, the sooner it’s over. (Well duh).

    • Amy-jean September 1, 2011 at 9:53 am #

      Haha I think it’s less disgust than I usually have for this since I haven’t read it in so long :p
      And I’ve had about six people exclaim “FINALLY” upon seeing my blog so far, so I think you did a very good thing in begging me to do this! I might even get the next one up fairly soon…

  2. Kate September 1, 2011 at 8:08 pm #

    My lord, I’m still suck on reviewing Twilight…I shudder when I think about what fresh hell awaits me in the next 3 books.

  3. Twilightster December 31, 2011 at 9:00 pm #

    Twilight has a new social network out. The web address is Register and help contribute to build the database with your knowledge of Twilight.

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