Tag Archives: twilight

Chapter 18: The Hunt

29 Sep

In this episode of Girl & Twilight, Edward Cullen is angry. He is really angry. He is ALL CAPS ANGRY. He is angry at his family for being vampires. He is angry at the other vampires for being vampires. He is angry at himself for being a vampire. But most of all, he is angry at Bella for being human.

You thought you’d seen Edward be unreasonable? You haven’t seen anything yet. Prepare yourselves for Chapter 18, featuring Amy-Jean hopped up on cold medicine! WHEEEE!

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Chapter 17: The Game

24 Sep

Ah, the infamous baseball chapter. I’ve been looking forward to this one.

If you remember, one of the first things we learn about Bella is how much she hates sports (due to her clumsy disease) and how much she particularly hates baseball. Nevertheless, she decides to go watch Edward play vampire baseball.

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Chapter 15 The Cullens & Chapter 16 Carlisle

18 Sep

In this episode of Girl & Twilight, Bella meets the Cullens. Well, Bella meets Edward’s “mum,” Esme, since she met everyone else already. Other than Smeyer’s inability to write, there is no logical reason for this to be two chapters, so I’m just going to review them together, since only like… three things worth mentioning happen in chapter 16.

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Chapter 14: Mind over Matter

13 Sep

I am renaming this chapter, “How to Tell if Your Boyfriend is a Dripping Bag of Douche,” because seriously, they should give this out to girls when they hit puberty and tell them, okay kids, if a man does anything Edward does, stay far away from that man. Far, far away. Seriously, I thought I had dated some awful guys. I thought Chapter 13 was the penultimate of horrible, frightening prose.

That was before I read Chapter 14.

[TRIGGER WARNINGS: abusive relationship material (violence, stalking). Edward says some very, very fucked up things that may be triggering]

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Chapter 13: Confessions

31 Aug

In this episode of Girl & Twilight, Edward steps into the sunlight and we learn that he is a vampire that sparkles in the sun. HE IS A VAMPIRE THAT SPARKLES. IN THE SUN. Turns out Smeyer wrote this chapter first, from a dream she had (please note: the author dreamt about a sparkly vampire, thought “oh my yes, yes indeed,” then proceeded to write a book). After writing this chapter, then finishing the book, she wrote chapters 1 to 12 just to get to chapter 13. So everything I have read was an afterthought, and all of my hunches about speeding the “plot” along to get to the romance were correct. Great. Awesome. Excuse me while I get a beer.

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Chapter 12: Balancing

30 Aug

I have no idea why this chapter is called Balancing, or why the first 2/3 of the chapter even exists. Nothing happens.

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Chapter 11: Complications

26 Aug

In this episode of Amy-Jean reads Twilight, nothing happens. So I wrote a little play for you.

COMPLICATIONS

a play for the stage by Amy-Jean M, esq.

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Chapter 10: Interrogations

24 Aug

In this chapter, we gather proof that Edward and Bella are the two creepiest individuals alive, so maybe they are made for each other after all, since I really don’t know who else would have them.

I can only assume that this is the set up for what will be the “plot” of the remainder of the book (of the series?): Edward and Bella’s creepy, manipulative, abusive relationship.

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Chapter 9: Theory

20 Aug

Aw, come on. More theories? Really?  We already know Edward is a vampire! It was on the back of the book. Can we get over this and move on with our lives soon? Please?

Get ready for the most pointless chapter yet, folks.

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Chapter 8: Port Angeles

13 Aug

Before I begin, I need you to understand how angry this chapter has made me. It’s made me angry for several reasons. Mostly because I need no further proof that the relationship between Bella and Edward is so, so toxic and dangerous to any woman who reads this book thinking that this is an ideal love story.

[TRIGGER WARNINGS: discussion of rape (non-explicit; rape does not actually occur), rape culture, verbal abuse & abusive relationships]

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