Chapter 2: Stitches

In this episode of Girl & Twilight, Bella gets stitches. Despite the fact that there are copious amounts of blood gushing from Bella, she does not get eaten by her vampire friends. Instead, she and Carlisle have a chat that is one part interesting, three parts infuriating and ten parts Smeyer-needs-to-read-up-on-fantasy-lit-theory.

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Edward’s face was whiter than bone as he wheeled to crouch over me, taking a clearly defensive position. A low warning growl slid from between his clenched teeth. I could tell that he wasn’t breathing. (pg.30)

Smeyer. Your vampires NEVER breathe. Remember?

Jasper is wrestled outside so he doesn’t nom on Bella, although Edward, Alice and Carlisle stay to clean Bella up. I’m not sure how Edward is managing, since he spent the last 500 pages or so of the series reminding us that he can barely resist Bella, but whatever, we’ll go along with this I guess. Bella notes once again that Edward hasn’t taken a breath since she got cut. OBVIOUSLY he hasn’t. Honestly, if I can remember these vampires don’t breathe, why can’t Smeyer? She made them up!

Once Edward and Alice finally give up, Carlisle picks chunks of glass out of Bella’s arm, which is fine because it has already been explained why Carlisle can deal with blood. While Carlisle fishes for glass, he and Bella have a little chat.

Seriously, Bella is actually pretty normal for the span of about half an hour or something. She is nice, articulate, and carries on a real, polite conversation. I’m sort of blown away (what a ridiculous thing to be blown away about). She asks Carlisle to tell her about himself. Unfortunately, we only learn two things about Carlisle, and one thing about Edward. I guess we should be pleased Smeyer actually included character development instead of just alluding to it.

1. Carlisle is a theist.

Which is fine, if weird. I mean, most people in the world believe in at least one deity or another. Am I alone in thinking it’s utterly bizarre that a vampire is religious?

“So I didn’t agree with my father’s particular brand of faith. But never, in the nearly four hundred years now since I was born, have I ever seen anything to make me doubt whether God exists in some form or the other.” (pg.36)

Let me guess… god made vampires, too?

“Edward’s with me up to a point. God and heaven exist… and so does hell. But he doesn’t believe there is an afterlife for our kind … You see, he thinks we’ve lost our souls.” (pg.37)

Okay, hold the phone here for a minute. This is an important plot point. VERY important. Edward won’t turn Bella into vampire (the only real character conflict) because Edward doesn’t want Bella to lose her soul. So um… what does that mean?

Smeyer is breaking one of the most important rules of fantasy literature: explain your lore and mythology. The only reason I know what  Carlisle is going on about here about “souls” and “heaven” and “hell” is because I happen to have grown up in North America and my parents made me go to church when I was a kid. I still don’t “get” what a soul is supposed to be. In order to understand the conflict between Bella and Edward (again: the only conflict in the story), we need to know about Christianity/ Mormonism, and we have to know that is the religion Smeyer is talking about.

Her explanation of vampires was shaky enough without this soul thing added to the mix. This is why her vampires are so bad and why her fantasy sucks. She has probably never heard of suspending disbelief before, even though I learned about it in a second-year literature class, so maybe she slept through that one.

MOSTLY I am going on about this because THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT IN THIS LONG STUPID CHAPTER.

2. Carlisle thinks that Edward is hot stuff

Because we wouldn’t really know how gorgeous Edward is without his dad getting all hot and bothered about it, too.

“I looked at Edward. Sick as he was, he was still beautiful. There was something pure and good about his face. The kind of face I would have wanted my son to have.” (pg.41)

I’m just gonna leave this here.

3. Carlisle knew Edward’s real parents

This is more learning a thing about Edward than anything else.

Edward’s parents were called Elizabeth and Edward Senior. Edward used to have green eyes. When Elizabeth was about to die, she asked Carlisle to save her son using his powers. Carlisle couldn’t tell if Elizabeth knew his secret, but he decided this made it okay to turn Edward into a vampire, and it’s why he still feels okay about it. I think this could be an interesting moral dilemma part of the story if it was told in the right way (i.e. if someone other than Meyer wrote it).

Edward returns to take Bella home. Bella takes steps to deceive Charlie about what happened to her arm, which isn’t cool, by the way.

Edward and Bella argue on the drive home, which is getting SO OLD at this point. They are both so privileged and have everything they want, but they are absolutely miserable and seem to have an awfully hard time getting along. I wish they would break up or actually enjoy each others’ presence for a second gaaaaahhhh

In this argument, Bella is begging Edward to forgive her, and Edward is confused, saying it isn’t her fault (THANK YOU, Edward!!). Edward goes on again about how he is bad for Bella. Bella says she would rather die than be with anyone but Edward. Edward tells her to stop being melodramatic.

When the most melodramatic being in the world calls you out on your drama, maybe it’s time to assess your priorities.

Bella suddenly decides she is excited that it is her birthday and opens presents in her room with Edward (Charlie doesn’t know he is there, naturally). She got two plane tickets to Jacksonville so she and Edward can visit Renée, and Edward made a CD full of the songs he wrote for Bella. Wow, Bella. I hope you feel stupid for being so difficult and ungrateful earlier.

Bella and Edward kiss, and Smeyer foreshadows spoils the entire book:

I was halfway asleep, maybe more, when I realized what his kiss had reminded me of: last spring, when he’d had to leave me to throw James off my trail, Edward had kissed me goodbye, not knowing when–or if–we would see each other again. This kiss had the same almost painful edge for some reason I couldn’t imagine.

Seriously, Smeyer, lay off the commas, fire your editor, and stop beating us about the head with a foreshadowing brick because WE ARE NOT AS STUPID AS YOU THINK WE ARE

ANYWAY ON THE BRIGHT SIDE I am off to stand in line for several hours because GUESS WHO HAS TICKETS TO AN ADVANCED VIEWING OF HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS TONIGHT

THAT’S RIGHT

IT’S ME

LATER SUCKERS

(I love you all)