Chapter 4: Waking Up

Remember when that one chapter turned into a case study of Why Edward Cullen is a Terrible Person? This chapter is a case study of Why Bella Swan is a Terrible Person. Or, if you prefer, why Bella is the farthest thing ever from anything even resembling a feminist icon. Beyond that, some very strange things happen, and once again, I can literally not believe what I am reading.

Chapter 2: Stitches

In this episode of Girl & Twilight, Bella gets stitches. Despite the fact that there are copious amounts of blood gushing from Bella, she does not get eaten by her vampire friends. Instead, she and Carlisle have a chat that is one part interesting, three parts infuriating and ten parts Smeyer-needs-to-read-up-on-fantasy-lit-theory.

This entry is brought to you by Harry Potter.

Chapter 24: An Impasse & Epilogue

Here we are, kids. The end of Twilight. It’s not the end of this blog, though… I still have movies to watch, and the rest of the series to read. Here is what happens at the end of the novel. It is kind of longer than I thought (the epilogue is honestly another chapter) so I’ll have thoughts about the book as a whole posted before my movie vlog.

Chapter 19: Goodbyes

I realize it’s taken me a while to write about this chapter. I’ve been putting it off. This chapter bothered me, and I wasn’t sure how to write about it. I’m not sure how I feel about what Smeyer is doing. On one hand, I’m happy there is finally a plot, but on the other hand, I feel very strange about the plot Smeyer chose. She’s the author, she is in charge of this. Anything could happen. And still, she chooses this?

It’s also bothering me that I am actually thinking this hard about Twilight.

[TRIGGER WARNING: victim blaming]

Chapter 15 The Cullens & Chapter 16 Carlisle

In this episode of Girl & Twilight, Bella meets the Cullens. Well, Bella meets Edward’s “mum,” Esme, since she met everyone else already. Other than Smeyer’s inability to write, there is no logical reason for this to be two chapters, so I’m just going to review them together, since only like… three things worth mentioning happen in chapter 16.

Chapter 14: Mind over Matter

I am renaming this chapter, “How to Tell if Your Boyfriend is a Dripping Bag of Douche,” because seriously, they should give this out to girls when they hit puberty and tell them, okay kids, if a man does anything Edward does, stay far away from that man. Far, far away. Seriously, I thought I had dated some awful guys. I thought Chapter 13 was the penultimate of horrible, frightening prose.

That was before I read Chapter 14.

[TRIGGER WARNINGS: abusive relationship material (violence, stalking). Edward says some very, very fucked up things that may be triggering]

Chapter 13: Confessions

In this episode of Girl & Twilight, Edward steps into the sunlight and we learn that he is a vampire that sparkles in the sun. HE IS A VAMPIRE THAT SPARKLES. IN THE SUN. Turns out Smeyer wrote this chapter first, from a dream she had (please note: the author dreamt about a sparkly vampire, thought “oh my yes, yes indeed,” then proceeded to write a book). After writing this chapter, then finishing the book, she wrote chapters 1 to 12 just to get to chapter 13. So everything I have read was an afterthought, and all of my hunches about speeding the “plot” along to get to the romance were correct. Great. Awesome. Excuse me while I get a beer.

Chapter 12: Balancing

I have no idea why this chapter is called Balancing, or why the first 2/3 of the chapter even exists. Nothing happens.

Chapter 11: Complications

In this episode of Amy-Jean reads Twilight, nothing happens. So I wrote a little play for you.

COMPLICATIONS

a play for the stage by Amy-Jean M, esq.

Chapter 10: Interrogations

In this chapter, we gather proof that Edward and Bella are the two creepiest individuals alive, so maybe they are made for each other after all, since I really don’t know who else would have them.

I can only assume that this is the set up for what will be the “plot” of the remainder of the book (of the series?): Edward and Bella’s creepy, manipulative, abusive relationship.