Chapter 6: Friends

In this episode of Girl & Twilight, Bella acts like a fairly normal human being and realizes how stupid she was to be such a zombie for so long. Smeyer ruins any joy this might have given me with a huge dose of sexism and general misogyny.

Chapter 1: Party & Preface

I have a terrible confession to make.

I gave Stephenie Meyer my money. I feel very dirty about this, but it had to be done.

Chapter 12: Balancing

I have no idea why this chapter is called Balancing, or why the first 2/3 of the chapter even exists. Nothing happens.

Chapter 11: Complications

In this episode of Amy-Jean reads Twilight, nothing happens. So I wrote a little play for you.

COMPLICATIONS

a play for the stage by Amy-Jean M, esq.

Chapter 10: Interrogations

In this chapter, we gather proof that Edward and Bella are the two creepiest individuals alive, so maybe they are made for each other after all, since I really don’t know who else would have them.

I can only assume that this is the set up for what will be the “plot” of the remainder of the book (of the series?): Edward and Bella’s creepy, manipulative, abusive relationship.

Chapter 8: Port Angeles

Before I begin, I need you to understand how angry this chapter has made me. It’s made me angry for several reasons. Mostly because I need no further proof that the relationship between Bella and Edward is so, so toxic and dangerous to any woman who reads this book thinking that this is an ideal love story.

[TRIGGER WARNINGS: discussion of rape (non-explicit; rape does not actually occur), rape culture, verbal abuse & abusive relationships]

Chapter 7: Nightmare

In this chapter, Bella gets emo to embarrassing music, makes her worst life decision yet, and Stephenie Meyer violates all laws of foreshadowing. Are you ready for this? I’m not.

Chapter 6: Scary Stories

I have an exciting announcement to make. This might be difficult to believe, but this ended up being an okay chapter. At the end, I didn’t feel like feeding myself to a pit of hungry lions, like I usually do.

Chapter 5: Blood Type

I don’t know why this is a separate chapter, other than the fact that Stephenie Meyer probably thought it was a witty title.

The chapter begins halfway through the school day in chapter 4. Mike is trailing behind Bella, as per usual, inviting her to go to the beach on the weekend since it’s going to stop raining. Instead of being overjoyed that her least favourite weather in all the world will give her a break, Bella is still cranky because it’ll be under 50 degrees (which is like 10 degrees Celsius).

Chapter 4: Invitations

Bella has a dream that Edward is glowing. The remainder of the chapter is high school dance drama. Are you excited or are you excited? Let’s do this.