Tag Archives: fantasy

Chapter 10: The Meadow

13 Feb

In this episode of Girl & Twilight, Bella becomes an obsessive stalker as her life once again begins a swift downward spiral into a crappy emo song. Even crazier now that Jacob is gone, she heads into the woods to find the meadow and (SPOILER ALERT) finds it just in time for Smeyer to do that foreshadowing thing again. Let’s read this thing.

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Chapter 9: Third Wheel

22 Jan

I’m back!

In this chapter of New Moon, Meyer picks up and drops variousĀ inaneĀ plot points that seem to go nowhere for pages and pages while Bella rapidly descends into legitimate insanity over her separation from Edward and her growing affection for Jacob. By legitimate insanity, what I mean is that it is my unprofessional opinion (based on my roommate’s copy of the DSM-IV) that Bella has a textbook case of Borderline Personality Disorder and should seek help immediately.

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Chapter 8: Adrenaline

28 Dec

Hello, beautiful readers! I was gone for a bit due to exams and holidays and also due to really needing a break from Twilight, but here I am again. Let’s get to it.

In this chapter, Bella reaches a new creepiness high score. Jacob and Charlie reach new awesomeness high scores. It’s really just high scores all around.

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Chapter 7: Repetition

2 Dec

This chapter is called Repetition because the book wasn’t repetitive enough already. Bella continues to be moderately insane but aware of her insanity, Jacob continues to be a glorious beautiful person, and Smeyer does that abysmal thing she calls “foreshadowing” again.

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Chapter 6: Friends

29 Nov

In this episode of Girl & Twilight, Bella acts like a fairly normal human being and realizes how stupid she was to be such a zombie for so long. Smeyer ruins any joy this might have given me with a huge dose of sexism and general misogyny.

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Chapter 5: Cheater

23 Nov

In this episode of Girl and Twilight, Bella mopes at work, mopes in her truck, mopes on the side of the road… and then suddenly begins to act like a normal (albeit insane) human being and some things actually happen. Excited? Me too. Let’s do this.

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Chapter 4: Waking Up

19 Nov

Remember when that one chapter turned into a case study of Why Edward Cullen is a Terrible Person? This chapter is a case study of Why Bella Swan is a Terrible Person. Or, if you prefer, why Bella is the farthest thing ever from anything even resembling a feminist icon. Beyond that, some very strange things happen, and once again, I can literally not believe what I am reading.

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Chapter 3: The End

16 Nov

Just in case you were too thick to catch onto Smeyer spoiling her plot at the end of the last chapter, she has titled this chapter The End just so we really know for sure that Edward is going to leave Bella before it actually happens. For good measure, Smeyer goes on for about 20 pages pretending that we’re going to be surprised.

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Chapter 2: Stitches

15 Nov

In this episode of Girl & Twilight, Bella gets stitches. Despite the fact that there are copious amounts of blood gushing from Bella, she does not get eaten by her vampire friends. Instead, she and Carlisle have a chat that is one part interesting, three parts infuriating and ten parts Smeyer-needs-to-read-up-on-fantasy-lit-theory.

This entry is brought to you by Harry Potter.

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Chapter 1: Party & Preface

13 Nov

I have a terrible confession to make.

I gave Stephenie Meyer my money. I feel very dirty about this, but it had to be done.

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