Chapter 14: Family

30 Jan

Better once every 6 months than never, right?

I kid. I know I shouldn’t neglect you, Twilight blog, but these books are just so bad. Someone found me on my gaming tumblr, of all places, to ask when I would be making another post, and I just can’t say no to that. I respond very well to nagging when it comes to Girl&Twilight.

Anyway, when we last left off, Bella was going with Jacob to meet his wolfie friends. Continue reading

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Chapter 13: Killer

31 Aug

Oh my goodness everyone Amyjean is making a G&T post, hold on to your knickers.

In this long past-due episode of Girl&Twilight, Stephenie Meyer coughs up the entire plot of Twilight to use again. Because, you know, it was so riveting the first time around. She also is ruining Jacob so there is next to nothing redeeming about this book at this point.

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Chapter 12: Intruder

30 Apr

In this relatively short chapter, many details are revealed. Unfortunately, we already knew every single one of these details, but let’s pretend this is all new and exciting, shall we?

When we left off last time, Bella had awoken in the middle of the night to a scratching on her window. Who could it be?

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Chapter 11: Cult

6 Mar

In this Chapter of New Moon Bella continues to completely lose it, jumps to extraordinary conclusions, still cannot have a basic conversation even when she most needs to, and is once again blamed for something out of her control due to her possession of a vagina.

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Chapter 10: The Meadow

13 Feb

In this episode of Girl & Twilight, Bella becomes an obsessive stalker as her life once again begins a swift downward spiral into a crappy emo song. Even crazier now that Jacob is gone, she heads into the woods to find the meadow and (SPOILER ALERT) finds it just in time for Smeyer to do that foreshadowing thing again. Let’s read this thing.

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Chapter 9: Third Wheel

22 Jan

I’m back!

In this chapter of New Moon, Meyer picks up and drops variousĀ inaneĀ plot points that seem to go nowhere for pages and pages while Bella rapidly descends into legitimate insanity over her separation from Edward and her growing affection for Jacob. By legitimate insanity, what I mean is that it is my unprofessional opinion (based on my roommate’s copy of the DSM-IV) that Bella has a textbook case of Borderline Personality Disorder and should seek help immediately.

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Chapter 8: Adrenaline

28 Dec

Hello, beautiful readers! I was gone for a bit due to exams and holidays and also due to really needing a break from Twilight, but here I am again. Let’s get to it.

In this chapter, Bella reaches a new creepiness high score. Jacob and Charlie reach new awesomeness high scores. It’s really just high scores all around.

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Chapter 7: Repetition

2 Dec

This chapter is called Repetition because the book wasn’t repetitive enough already. Bella continues to be moderately insane but aware of her insanity, Jacob continues to be a glorious beautiful person, and Smeyer does that abysmal thing she calls “foreshadowing” again.

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Chapter 6: Friends

29 Nov

In this episode of Girl & Twilight, Bella acts like a fairly normal human being and realizes how stupid she was to be such a zombie for so long. Smeyer ruins any joy this might have given me with a huge dose of sexism and general misogyny.

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Chapter 5: Cheater

23 Nov

In this episode of Girl and Twilight, Bella mopes at work, mopes in her truck, mopes on the side of the road… and then suddenly begins to act like a normal (albeit insane) human being and some things actually happen. Excited? Me too. Let’s do this.

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